tonight, a (50s-ish) male bartender told me i was “beautiful,” so i didn’t have to tip him because my “presence” was tip enough. i said thank you & gave him my payment & turned to leave. he then continued to tell me how “gorgeous” i was. i voiced my discomfort. he responded by telling me that “even with my attitude,” i’d “better fucking come back & see him tomorrow.” i mumbled something about needing to leave & he hollered after me about me “giving it” to him.
not that it matters, but i was out with a girlfriend because i was emotionally exhausted by the disgusting misogyny of the past few days & needed a break. i was horribly anxious, horribly depressed, & horribly fucked up. i haven’t washed my hair in a week. i’ve been living on a diet of zucchini, whiskey, & a religiously-timed schedule of uppers & downers. i’ve barely left my house because of how generally not fucking okay i feel. there was a rosary under my shirt tonight. i hoped maybe that would keep me safe.
this is how scared i am.
i am on the verge of packing my apartment & my girls & hauling ass to texas or iowa or hades–fuck the semester, fuck my students, fuck the phd. i just wanted some cognac. that’s all. i just wanted to go drink hennessey with my friend & bitch & cry & not give a fuck for an hour. instead, i got sexually harassed.
that’s what it’s like to be a woman. you’re reminded at every single god-forsaken turn that your sole purpose is to be a fucktoy. nothing else. no brain, no voice, no emotions, no desires. you are a body.
please, though. tell me more about how rape culture isn’t a thing & how ALL THE TIME women make up false accusations against men & how we’re OVERBLOWING this whole “patriarchy thing.” seriously, please educate me on how we don’t need feminism in america today. please, i’m begging you. isn’t that what you want, after all? me to beg?